custard~SPARTA~ Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 To the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. 13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God save the Queen. Just copied this from BPR needless to say I almost pissed myself laughing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Durka-Durka~SPARTA~ Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 What's "catsup?" :wacko: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rocky Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 My attention span must be lowering in an inverse proportion to my age. ie.e. way to long for me to read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoScream~SPARTA~ Posted February 21, 2008 Share Posted February 21, 2008 My attention span must be lowering in an inverse proportion to my age. ie.e. way to long for me to read. U and me too "R" any joke longer than two lines had me at the first letter.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adder360~SPARTA~ Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 he he he was funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halli~SPARTA~ Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krambo Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 some yanks say aks instead of ask. the s comes before the a. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zeno~SPARTA~ Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 For all of american brothers on the verge of cardiac arrest, this is a joke. Her Britanic majesty's government is not interested in reacquiring its former interests in the Americas, the days where the sun never set in the british empire are long gone and since it always rains in the UK we can safely say that the sun doesnt even shine on the british empire. Peace. Krambo gives spelling lesson in sms language!!!! Durka it seems Suzanne had the same question as you so here, for your edification, is the answer. [Q] From Suzanne: “Why is ketchup also called catsup?” [A] Ketchup was one of the earliest names given to this condiment, so spelled in Charles Lockyer’s book of 1711, An Account of the Trade in India: “Soy comes in Tubbs from Jappan, and the best Ketchup from Tonquin; yet good of both sorts are made and sold very cheap in China”. Nobody seems quite sure where it comes from, and I won’t bore you with a long disquisition concerning the scholarly debate on the matter, which is reflected in the varied origins given in major dictionaries. It’s likely to be from a Chinese dialect, imported into English through Malay. The original was a kind of fish sauce, though the modern Malay and Indonesian version, with the closely related name kecap, is a sweet soy sauce. Like their Eastern forerunners, Western ketchups were dipping sauces. I’m told the first ketchup recipe appeared in Elizabeth Smith’s book The Compleat Housewife of 1727 and that it included anchovies, shallots, vinegar, white wine, sweet spices (cloves, ginger, mace, nutmeg), pepper and lemon peel. Not a tomato in sight, you will note — tomato ketchup was not introduced until about a century later, in the US, and caught on only slowly. It was more usual to base the condiment on mushrooms, or sometimes walnuts. The confusion about names started even before Charles Lockyer wrote about it, since there is an entry dated 1690 in the Dictionary of the Canting Crew which gives it as catchup, which is another Anglicisation of the original Eastern term. Catchup was used much more in North America than in Britain: it was still common in the middle years of the nineteenth century, as in a story in Scribner’s Magazine in 1859: “I do not object to take a few slices of cold boiled ham ... with a little mushroom catchup, some Worcester sauce, and a pickle or so”. Indeed, catchup continued to appear in American works for some decades and is still to be found on occasion. There were lots of other spellings, too, of which catsup is the best known, a modification of catchup. You can blame Jonathan Swift for it if you like, since he used it first in 1730: “And, for our home-bred British cheer, Botargo, catsup, and caveer”. [Caveer is caviar; botargo is a fish-based relish made of the roe of the mullet or tunny.] That form was also once common in the US but is much less so these days, at least on bottle labels: all the big US manufacturers now call their product ketchup. Simple question: complicated answer! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krambo Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 yer I could teach you sms langauage. hehe I have good english though 2, its just when I want 2 get my points across its easier 2 type quick before I forget. dno wt all the fuss is abt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Durka-Durka~SPARTA~ Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 lol Kram, it may be easier to get your points OUT, but it's frickin hard as hell to get them ACROSS. And we know you have good Anglish, but why do you always speak French during game? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krambo Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 hehehe my mouth works b4 my brain most of the time. im fluent in both Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 hehehe my mouth works b4 my brain most of the time. im fluent in both are you sure??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Durka-Durka~SPARTA~ Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 are you sure??? I'm pretty sure he's sure Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 how sure are you thou he is pretty sure he is sure? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Athlon64~SPARTA~ Posted February 22, 2008 Share Posted February 22, 2008 WEW! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elvis~SPARTA~ Posted February 23, 2008 Share Posted February 23, 2008 And not from John C either. http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp And the days of the American Empire are winding down as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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