A message to the Americans, from J. Cleese

[custard~SPARTA~]

 

To the citizens of the United States of America:

 

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent

candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we

hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective

immediately.

 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties

over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which

she does not fancy).

 

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for

America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate

will be disbanded.

 

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of

you noticed.

 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following

rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

 

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will

be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

 

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'

and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without

skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the

suffix '-ise'.

 

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable

levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

 

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises

such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let

Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be

adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the

elimination of -ize.

 

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

 

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and

therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns

should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort

things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're

not grown up enough to handle a gun.

 

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything

more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you

wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will

start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you

will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of

conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you

understand the British sense of humour.

 

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

 

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries

are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips

are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal

fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

 

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually

beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to

as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be

referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are

pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be

due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what

it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen

Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

 

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as

good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to

play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English

dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having

one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

 

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of

proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in

time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American

football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds

or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try

Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they

regularly thrash us.

 

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to

host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played

outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a

world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn

cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the

sting out of their deliveries.

 

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

 

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all

monies due (backdated to 1776).

 

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with

saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;

plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

 

God save the Queen.

 

Just copied this from BPR needless to say I almost pissed myself laughing.

[Durka-Durka~SPARTA~]

What's "catsup?" :wacko:

[Rocky]

My attention span must be lowering in an inverse proportion to my age.

 

ie.e. way to long for me to read.

[NoScream~SPARTA~]

My attention span must be lowering in an inverse proportion to my age.

 

ie.e. way to long for me to read.

 

U and me too "R"

 

any joke longer than two lines had me at the first letter....

[adder360~SPARTA~]

he he he was funny

[Halli~SPARTA~]

[Krambo]

some yanks say aks instead of ask.

 

the s comes before the a.

 

[Zeno~SPARTA~]

For all of american brothers on the verge of cardiac arrest, this is a joke. Her Britanic majesty's government is not interested in reacquiring its former interests in the Americas, the days where the sun never set in the british empire are long gone and since it always rains in the UK we can safely say that the sun doesnt even shine on the british empire.

 

Peace.

 

Krambo gives spelling lesson in sms language!!!!

 

Durka it seems Suzanne had the same question as you so here, for your edification, is the answer.

 

[Q] From Suzanne: “Why is ketchup also called catsup?”

 

[A] Ketchup was one of the earliest names given to this condiment, so spelled in Charles Lockyer’s book of 1711, An Account of the Trade in India: “Soy comes in Tubbs from Jappan, and the best Ketchup from Tonquin; yet good of both sorts are made and sold very cheap in China”. Nobody seems quite sure where it comes from, and I won’t bore you with a long disquisition concerning the scholarly debate on the matter, which is reflected in the varied origins given in major dictionaries. It’s likely to be from a Chinese dialect, imported into English through Malay. The original was a kind of fish sauce, though the modern Malay and Indonesian version, with the closely related name kecap, is a sweet soy sauce.

 

Like their Eastern forerunners, Western ketchups were dipping sauces. I’m told the first ketchup recipe appeared in Elizabeth Smith’s book The Compleat Housewife of 1727 and that it included anchovies, shallots, vinegar, white wine, sweet spices (cloves, ginger, mace, nutmeg), pepper and lemon peel. Not a tomato in sight, you will note — tomato ketchup was not introduced until about a century later, in the US, and caught on only slowly. It was more usual to base the condiment on mushrooms, or sometimes walnuts.

 

The confusion about names started even before Charles Lockyer wrote about it, since there is an entry dated 1690 in the Dictionary of the Canting Crew which gives it as catchup, which is another Anglicisation of the original Eastern term. Catchup was used much more in North America than in Britain: it was still common in the middle years of the nineteenth century, as in a story in Scribner’s Magazine in 1859: “I do not object to take a few slices of cold boiled ham ... with a little mushroom catchup, some Worcester sauce, and a pickle or so”. Indeed, catchup continued to appear in American works for some decades and is still to be found on occasion.

 

There were lots of other spellings, too, of which catsup is the best known, a modification of catchup. You can blame Jonathan Swift for it if you like, since he used it first in 1730: “And, for our home-bred British cheer, Botargo, catsup, and caveer”. [Caveer is caviar; botargo is a fish-based relish made of the roe of the mullet or tunny.] That form was also once common in the US but is much less so these days, at least on bottle labels: all the big US manufacturers now call their product ketchup.

 

Simple question: complicated answer!

[Krambo]

yer I could teach you sms langauage. hehe

 

I have good english though 2, its just when I want 2 get my points across its easier 2 type quick before I forget.

 

dno wt all the fuss is abt.

[Durka-Durka~SPARTA~]

lol Kram, it may be easier to get your points OUT, but it's frickin hard as hell to get them ACROSS.

 

And we know you have good Anglish, but why do you always speak French during game?

[Krambo]

hehehe my mouth works b4 my brain most of the time.

 

im fluent in both

[Joker]

hehehe my mouth works b4 my brain most of the time.

 

im fluent in both

are you sure???

[Durka-Durka~SPARTA~]

are you sure???

 

 

I'm pretty sure he's sure

[Joker]

how sure are you thou he is pretty sure he is sure?

[Athlon64~SPARTA~]

WEW!

[Elvis~SPARTA~]

And not from John C either. http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

 

And the days of the American Empire are winding down as well.