DaCapt Posted April 21, 2010 Share Posted April 21, 2010 Subject: LITTLE GIGGLE IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN CALLED FOR JURY DUTY.....THEN YOU HAVE TO KNOW - THIS IS PRICELESS! These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ______________________________ ______________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ______________________________ _____________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________ ______________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ______________________________ ______ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ______________________________ _____________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? ______________________________ ___________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ______________________________ ______________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ______________________________ ______________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ______________________________ ______________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. ______________________________ _______ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. ______________________________ ___________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________ ___________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ______________________________ ______________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ___________________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No . ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. And that my friends is a good example why, most politicians in our government and courts are lawyers and our nation is so screwed up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haloelite Posted April 21, 2010 Share Posted April 21, 2010 this= win Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedicSN6 Posted April 21, 2010 Share Posted April 21, 2010 Oldy but a goody. I seem to remember some of the responses a little differently though. Might be me though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cylawyer~SPARTA~ Posted April 21, 2010 Share Posted April 21, 2010 Yea, the response vary from post to post, but most of them are essentially the same. The kicker though is clearly the autopsy with the brain in the jar. There is no way that a brain would be in a jar PRIOR to the autopsy as indicated by the "Dr" witness. Removal of the brain occurs during autopsy and unless it is a donor for science body, the brain is usually returned upon completion of the autopsy (occassionally some samples or some portions are kept out for further testing). The only way this would be possible IMO is if the Dr was doing a secondary autopsy as a double check or if he were a hired expert for someone who did not agree with a first autopsy. This would assume the first autopsy Dr. kept the brain out (probably for the benefit of the second autopsy he knew was coming). SO, not only are attorneys (and some witnesses in the above) stupid, but so is the author of the "best for last". Still funny none-the-less. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zathrus~SPARTA~ Posted April 22, 2010 Share Posted April 22, 2010 It makes you wonder how many times a judge has to hide a smile... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forrester~SPARTA~ Posted April 23, 2010 Share Posted April 23, 2010 I like this one ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedicSN6 Posted April 23, 2010 Share Posted April 23, 2010 I like this one ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. Kind of reminds you of the women you date, eh Forrester? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EBE Posted April 23, 2010 Share Posted April 23, 2010 Thats why i don't like the system allot Attorney= edjucated lyer Doctor = edjucated killer but if you lie ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forrester~SPARTA~ Posted April 24, 2010 Share Posted April 24, 2010 Kind of reminds you of the women you date, eh Forrester? I only dated one once, I/'m still stuck...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkeleTele~SPARTA~ Posted April 25, 2010 Share Posted April 25, 2010 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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