DaCapt

You might enjoy this from Col D. G. Swinford, USMC, Ret and a history buff. You would really have to dig deep to get this kind of ringside seat to history: 1. The first German serviceman killed in WW II was killed by the Japanese ( China , 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians ( Finland 1940); highest ranking American killed was Lt Gen Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. So much for allies. 2. The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN He was wounded and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. His benefits were later restored by act of Congress. 3. At the time of Pearl Harbor , the top US Navy command was called CINCUS (pronounced 'sink us'). The shoulder patch of the US Army's 45th Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train was named 'Amerika.' All three were soon changed for PR purposes. 4. More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing European bombing missions, the required 30 missions, your chance of being killed was 71%. 5. Generally speaking, there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance, Japanese Ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane. 6. It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. Tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down. YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS ONE........ 7. When allied armies reached the Rhine, the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed in the act). 8. German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City, but they decided it wasn't worth the effort. 9. German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet. 10. Among the first 'Germans' captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army. AND I SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST.... 11. Following a massive naval bombardment, 35,000 United States and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska, in the Aleutian Islands . 21 troops were killed in the assault on the island. It could have been worse if there had been any Japanese on the island.

Subj: Fw: BODY FOUND Body Found Today the Police found an unidentified man's nude body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a Small Dick. You Okay??

Subj: Famous Marine Quotes "Come on, you sons of bitches-do you want to live forever?" (Attributed to Gunnery Sergeant Dan Daly, USMC, Belleau Wood, June 1918.) "Retreat, hell we just got here!" ~ Captain Lloyd Williams, USMC at the Battle of Belleau Wood WWI "Of the Marines on Iwo Jima, uncommon valor was a common virtue" ~ Fleet Admiral Chester W. Nimitz Iwo Jima WWII "We're surrounded? Good, now we can kill the bastards in any direction." ~ Colonel Lewis B. "Chesty" Puller; Korean War "The raising of the flag on Iwo Jima, means a Marine Corps for the next 500 years." ~ James Forrestal, Secretary of the Navy "Tell that to the Marines!" ~ President Franklin D. Roosevelt after the attacks on Pearl Harbor "Some people live an entire lifetime wondering if they've made a difference in the world, Marines don't have that problem." ~ President Ronald Regan "Marines I see as two breeds, Rottweilers or Dobermans, because Marines come in two varieties, big and mean, or skinny and mean. They're aggressive on the attack and tenacious on the defense. They've got really short hair and they always go for the throat." ~ RAdm. "Jay' R. Stark, U.S. Navy "A ship without Marines is like a garment without buttons." ~ Admiral David D. Porter, USN "I have just returned from visiting the Marines at the front, and there is not a finer fighting organization in the world!" ~ General Douglas MacArthur, US Army "The man who will go where his colors will go, without asking, who will fight a phantom foe in a jungle and mountain range, without counting, and who will suffer and die in the midst of incredible hardship, without complaint, is still what he has always been, from Imperial Rome to sceptered Britain to Democratic America. He is the stuff of which legions are made. His pride is his colors and his regiment, his training hard and thorough and coldly realistic, to fit him for what he must face, and his obedience is to his orders. As a legionary, he held the gates of civilization for the classical world...he has been called United States Marine." ~ Lieutenant Colonel T.R. Fehrenbach, US Army in "This Kind of War" "Marines are about the most peculiar breed of human beings I have ever witnessed. They treat their service as if it was some kind of cult, plastering their emblem on almost everything they own, making themselves up to look like insane fanatics with haircuts to ungentlemanly lengths, worshipping their Commandant almost as if he was a god, and making weird animal noises like a band of savages. They'll fight like rabid dogs at the drop of a hat just for the sake of a little action, and are the cockiest SOB's I have ever known. Most have the foulest mouths and drink well beyond man's normal limits, but their high spirits and sense of brotherhood set them apart and , generally speaking, of the United States Marines I've come in contact with, are the most professional soldiers and the finest men I have had the pleasure to meet." ~ An Anonymous Canadian Citizen "The deadliest weapon in the world is a Marine and his rifle!" ~ General Pershing, US Army "The Marines have landed, and the situation is well in hand". ~ Richard Harding Davis, war correspondent (1885) "The safest place in Korea was right behind a platoon of Marines. LORD, how they could fight!" ~ Major General Frank Lowe, US Army "Do not attack the First Marine Division. Leave the yellowlegs alone. Strike the American Army" ~ Orders given to Communist troops in the Korean War; shortly afterward, the Marines were ordered to not wear their khaki leggings to keep the enemy from immediately fleeing "Marines know how to use their bayonets. Army bayonets may as well be paper-weights." ~ Navy Times "Panic sweeps my men when they are facing the American Marines." ~Captured North Korean Major "The Marines are careful, brave fighters...they were like hunters, boring in relentlessly without fear. I never heard a wounded Marine moan." ~ The U.S. Army General Staff "They told (us) to open up the Embassy, or "we'll blow you away." And then they looked up and saw the Marines on the roof with the really big guns, and they said in Somali, "Igaralli ahow," Which mean "Excuse me, I didn't mean it, my mistake." ~ Karen Aquilar, in the U.S. Embassy; Mogadishu, Somalia "We have two companies of Marines running all over this island and thousands of Army troops doing nothing!" ~ General John Vessey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs "This will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave" ~ Elmer Davis (1890-1958) "Bravery is the capacity to perform properly even when scared half to death." ~ Omar Bradley "To observe a Marine is inspirational, to be a Marine is exceptional." ~ Unknown "The Marines I have seen around the world have the cleanest bodies, the filthiest minds, the highest morale, and the lowest morals of any group of animals I have ever seen. Thank God for the United States Marine Corps!" ~ Eleanor Roosevelt Being ready is not what matters. What matters is winning after you get there." (Lieutenant General Victor H. Krulak, USMC, April 1965.) "You don't hurt 'em if you don't hit 'em." (Lieutenant General Lewis B. Puller, USMC, 1962.) "Retreat Hell! We're just attacking in another direction." (Attributed to Major General Oliver P. Smith, USMC, Korea, December 1950.) "Goddam it, you'll never get the Purple Heart hiding in a foxhole! Follow me!" (Captain Henry P. "Jim" Crowe, USMC, Guadalcanal, 13 January 1943.) "Once a Marine, always a Marine!" (MSgt Paul Woyshner, a 40-year Marine, is credited with originating this expression during a taproom argument with a discharged Marine.) "I can't say enough about the two Marine divisions. If I use words like brilliant, it would really be an under-description of the absolutely superb job they did in breaching the so-called impenetrable barrier. . .Absolutely superb operation, a textbook, and I think it'll be studied for many, many years to come as the way to do it." (General H. Norman Schwarzkopf, USA, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, 27 February 1991.) "I have just returned from visiting the Marines at the front, and there is not a finer fighting organization in the world." (General Douglas MacArthur, USA, outskirts of Seoul, 21 September 1950.) "Casualties many; Percentage of dead not known; Combat efficiency; we are winning." (Colonel David M. Shoup, USMC, Tarawa, 21 November 1943.) "The deadliest weapon in the world is a MARINE and his rifle!" GEN. PERSHING, US.ARMY "Hard pressed on my right. My center is yielding. Impossible to maneuver. Situation excellent. I am attacking!" FERDINAND FOCH "We're surrounded. That simplifies the problem!" CHESTY PULLER, USMC "The more MARINES I have around the better I like it!" GEN. MARK CLARK, U.S. ARMY "I want you boys to hurry up and whip these Germans so we can get out to the Pacific to kick the s**t out of the purple-pissing Japanese, before the Goddamned MARINES get all the credit!" Lt General George Patton, US Army 1945 "People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf." GEORGE ORWELL "Sometimes it is entirely appropriate to kill a fly with a sledge-hammer!" MAJ. HOLDREDGE "A ship without MARINES is like a garment without buttons." ADM. DAVID PORTER, USN "The MARINES have landed and have the situation well in hand!" RICHARD HARDING DAVIS "Casualties many; Percentage of dead not known; Combat efficiency: we are winning!" COL. DAVID M. SHOUP, USMC "I can never again see a UNITED STATES MARINE without experiencing a feeling of reverence." GEN. JOHNSON, U.S. ARMY "The raising of that flag on Suribachi means a MARINE CORPS for the next 500 years." JAMES FORRESTAL, SECRETARY OF THE NAVY "Come on, you sons of bitches! Do you want to live forever?" GySgt. DANIEL DALY, USMC "We're not retreating, Hell! We're just attacking in a different direction!" GEN. OLIVER SMITH, USMC "I have just returned from visiting the MARINES at the front, and there is not a finer fighting organization in the world!" GEN. DOUGLAS MACARTHUR, U.S. ARMY "Teufelhunde! (Devil Dogs)" GERMAN SOLDIERS, WW1 at BELLEAU WOOD "So they've got us surrounded, good! Now we can fire in any direction, those bastards won't get away this time!" CHESTY PULLER, USMC "We have two companies of MARINES running all over this island and thousands of ARMY troops doing nothing!" GEN. JOHN VESSEY, CHAIRMAN OF JOINT CHIEFS "Retreat hell! We just got here!" CAPT. LLOYD WILLIAMS, USMC "The safest place in Korea was right behind a platoon of MARINES. LORD, how they could fight!" MAJ. GEN. FRANK LOWE, U.S. ARMY "Panic sweeps my men when they are facing the AMERICAN MARINES." CAPTURED NORTH KOREAN MAJOR "Our Country won't go on forever, if we stay soft as we are now. There won't be any AMERICA because some foreign soldier will invade us and take our women and breed a hardier race!" LT. GEN. LEWIS "CHESTY" PULLER, USMC "Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference. The Marines don't have that problem." PRESIDENT RONALD REAGAN, 1985 "There are only two kinds of people that understand Marines: Marines and those who have met them in battle. Everyone else has a second-hand opinion." Unknown "I can never again see a UNITED STATES MARINE without experiencing a feeling of reverence." GEN. JOHNSON, U.S. ARMY "There are only two kinds of people that understand Marines: Marines and those who have met them in battle. Everyone else has a second-hand opinion." Unknown "Uncommon valor was a common virtue." Fleet Admiral Chester W. Nimitz Iwo Jima "Panic sweeps my men when they are facing the AMERICAN MARINES." CAPTURED NORTH KOREAN MAJOR "The MARINES have landed and have the situation well in hand!" RICHARD HARDING DAVIS "If I had one more division like this First Marine Division I could win this war." -General of the Armies Douglas McArthur in Korea, overheard and reported by Marine Staff Sergeant Bill Houghton, Weapons/2/5 "The Marine Corps is the Navy's police force and as long as I am President that is what it will remain. They have a propaganda machine that is almost equal to Stalin's." Harry S. Truman "The more Marines I have around, the better I like it." General Clark, U.S. Army "No one can say that the Marines have failed to do their work in handsome fashion." Major General Hagood, U.S. Army "There is no military body in our country of higher efficiency than the Marine Corps. They take great pride in their profession. They never let things slack a bit." Rear Admiral C.M. Wilslow, U.S. Navy "They're on our right, they're on our left, they're in front of us, they're behind us; they can't get away from us this time." Chesty Puller, USMC, Chosin Reservoir, Korean War "Old breed? New breed? There's not a damn bit of difference so long as it's the Marine breed." Chesty Puller, USMC "Marine Corps integrity is doing that thing which is right, when no one is looking" Col. Colin Lampard, USMC "Every Marine is, first and foremost, a rifleman. All other conditions are secondary." General A. M. Gray, USMC "Ensure that no Marine who honorably wore the eagle, globe and anchor is lost to the Marine Corps family." -General James L. Jones Jr., Commandant of the Marine Corps "They (Marines) have given us our only real fight." Commanding Officer of the British, War 0f 1812 "The American Marines are terribly reckless fellows... they would make very good storm troopers." Unidentified German officer at Belleau Wood. The US Air Force Chief-of-Staff would never be called -- Airman The Chief-of-Naval Operations would never be called -- Sailor The Commanding General of The US Army would never be called -- Soldier BUT the Commandant of the Marine Corps would be proud to be called a United States Marine "Marines know how to use their bayonets. Army bayonets may as well be paper-weights." Navy Times; November 1994 "We are United States Marines, and for two and a quarter centuries we have defined the standards of courage, esprit de corps, and military prowess." Gen. James L. Jones, USMC "My only answer as to why the Marines get the toughest jobs is because the average Leatherneck is a much better fighter. He has far more guts, courage, and better officers... These boys out here have a pride in the Marine Corps and will fight to the end no matter what the cost." -2nd Lt. Richard C. Kennard, Peleliu, World War II "It's a funny thing, but, as years go by, I think you appreciate more and more what a great thing it was to be a United States Marine... People will tell me what a shame it was I had to go back into the service a second time, but I'm kinda glad I did.. Besides, I am a U.S. Marine and I'll be one till I die." -Ted Williams

I'm curious how many of you use the 360 controller for windows? From what I have read, it seems to be very popular. I'd appreciate some feedback. Thanks DaCapt

OUCH!!

The way commercials should be made!!

Ok I ordered the game. See ya in a few days

Subject: FW: Old Lady in Court I thought you might enjoy this one! Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Old Lady: I am 94 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Old Lady: He began to rub all over of my body. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so ' spicy ' that I just laid down and told him ' Take me, young man. Take me now! ' Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool! 'And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

"Things work out best for the people who make the best of the way things work out." ......Art Linkletter Even Dear Abby is stumped... DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING: Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR? Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? 7. Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy. Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause. Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do? Remember, these people can vote!!

I liked it!!

Subject: One Marine A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune say, "One Marine is better than ten Taliban." The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out, "One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers." Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. A after 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The Marine voice calls out, "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban." The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought.. Then silence. Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are two of them."

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied. "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. "No, I must see Valerie," he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again.. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, " Edinburgh ." "Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ." "I know.." the man said. "Your sister died and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..." The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain------ 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer Good luck!

GOTTA PEE Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she Proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to Go home. The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that Said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' "

THE INTERNATIONAL COUNCIL OF MAN LAWS 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. ( The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. © After wrecking your boss's car. (d) When your significant other is using her teeth. 3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends. 4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. 7: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 8: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend. 9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 12: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 13: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 14: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 15: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 16: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just greedy. 17: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 18: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 19: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e.., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 20: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 21: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail her again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. 22: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 23: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or baby blue. 24: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of story. 25: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. 26: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below: ' GUTS ' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you about to fly somewhere?' ' BALLS ' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!' I hope this clears up any confusion. The International Council of Man Laws

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Oz proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished. So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Pass this on if you know anyone you think might be in need of inner peace

WARNING: ONLY Read This WHEN You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD. I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!! Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left. Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his apron up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day' [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days] Try this out: Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized." Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.' HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

Subject: Fwd: Fw: The Indian With One Testicle There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion... The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die! Why ??? OH, come on...... take a guess !!! Think about it !!! You're going to love this !!! Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.' Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.' The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...' MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them.

Screen cleaner. it really works great!! http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf

Thought you all might like this.

http://www.andycouch.com/whitetrashxmas/

> Subject: Warning to Older Men - Parking Lot Scam > > > Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the > mall and in dark parking lots, etc. > This is the first warning for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you > haven't heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as we head to the Home Improvement Centers. > A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's, Home Depot, or > Costco customers. This one caught me by surprise. > > Over the last month, I also became a victim of this clever scam while > out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite > traumatic. > > Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. > > Here's how the scam works: > > Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your > vehicle as you are packing your shopping items. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling > out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. > When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead > ask you for a ride to McDonald's.. > You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start > undressing. THEN, one of them climbs over into the front seat and > starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. > > I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also, July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & > 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. > > So, fwd. this on and tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible > way to take advantage of older men. > > Warn your friends to be vigilant. > > Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for > $1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to > eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's, Home Depot, and Costco.

Subject: FW: Tiger Woods Holiday Poem Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse. She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry, Cause a bimbo?s phone number was in his Blackberry. He?d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed. Woman after woman stepped up and confessed. He?d been cheatin? with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori, With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story. From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues, Tiger?s sad sordid tale was all over the news. With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex, When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts. Despite all his cryin? and beggin' and pleadin', Tiger?s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden. And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade, "If you?re gettin' laid then I?m gettin' paid." She?s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer, Her prenup made Christmas come early this year

I'm back... Plz add DaCapt Thank you