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custard~SPARTA~

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Posts posted by custard~SPARTA~

    A message to the Americans, from J. Cleese

    in Humor - Spartan Jokes

    Posted

     

    To the citizens of the United States of America:

     

    In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent

    candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we

    hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective

    immediately.

     

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties

    over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which

    she does not fancy).

     

    Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for

    America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate

    will be disbanded.

     

    A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of

    you noticed.

     

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following

    rules are introduced with immediate effect:

     

    You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

     

    1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will

    be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

     

    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'

    and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without

    skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the

    suffix '-ise'.

     

    Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable

    levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

     

    3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises

    such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

    communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let

    Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be

    adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the

    elimination of -ize.

     

    4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

     

    5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

    lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and

    therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns

    should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort

    things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're

    not grown up enough to handle a gun.

     

    6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything

    more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you

    wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

     

    7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will

    start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you

    will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of

    conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you

    understand the British sense of humour.

     

    8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

    calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

     

    9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries

    are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips

    are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal

    fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

     

    10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually

    beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to

    as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be

    referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are

    pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be

    due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what

    it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen

    Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

     

    11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as

    good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to

    play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English

    dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having

    one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

     

    12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of

    proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in

    time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American

    football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds

    or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try

    Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they

    regularly thrash us.

     

    13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to

    host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played

    outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a

    world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn

    cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the

    sting out of their deliveries.

     

    14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

     

    15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

    Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all

    monies due (backdated to 1776).

     

    16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with

    saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;

    plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

     

    God save the Queen.

     

    Just copied this from BPR needless to say I almost pissed myself laughing.

    headset help

    in Computer Discussions

    Posted

    I have the same headset kit as sams running of X fi card its very good sound. The mics on a swivel and does break the wire inside, Viiper made a very good suggestion of superglueing the swivel so it doesn't move (the mic arm is flexible so no probs moving it) preventing the wires from breaking.

    Pet Diaries

    in Humor - Spartan Jokes

    Posted

    I have a cat called Jigs (short for Jigsaw, yep the kids named him) he is the local bully beats up the other cats. I watched while he jumped on a fully grown male pheasant (no kill) he kills all local wildlife inc moles (yes the underground vermin) mice, pigeon and rabbits. I have to pressure wash the patio from time to time to remove the bits he doesn't eat. I like him lots cos he saves me a big Rentokill bill.

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