The International Council of Man Laws

[DaCapt]

THE INTERNATIONAL COUNCIL OF MAN LAWS

 

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

 

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

( The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

© After wrecking your boss's car.

(d) When your significant other is using her teeth.

 

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

 

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

 

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

 

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

 

7: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

 

8: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

 

9: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

 

10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

 

11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

 

12: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

 

13: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

 

14: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

 

15: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

 

16: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just greedy.

 

17: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

 

18: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

 

19: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e.., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

 

20: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

 

21: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail her again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

 

22: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

 

23: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or baby blue.

 

24: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of story.

 

25: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

 

26: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

 

' GUTS ' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you about to fly somewhere?'

 

' BALLS ' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

 

I hope this clears up any confusion.

 

 

The International Council of Man Laws

 

[MedicSN6]

Rules to live by.

 

 

[Stang~SPARTA~]

24.) When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

 

 

25.) You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call 'BULLSHIT!'.

Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent.

 

 

26.) The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

 

 

27.) Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

 

 

28.) Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

 

 

29.) The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

 

 

30.) A Man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

 

 

31.) When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

 

 

32.) If a buddy is out-numbered, out-Manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight.

Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin.", then you may sit back and enjoy.

 

 

33.) If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

 

 

35.) When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.

 

 

36.) Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "FUCK OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.

 

 

37.) Never, EVER slap or smack another Man.

Edited February 3, 2010 by Stang~SPARTA~

[Stang~SPARTA~]

1.?? Men are NOT mind readers.

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You?re a big girl. If it?s up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don?t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

 

1. Sunday sports, It?s like the full moon

or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

 

1. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

• Subtle hints do not work!
• Strong hints do not work!
• Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

 

1. Yes or No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.

That?s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

 

1. If you think you?re fat, you probably are.

Don?t ask us.

 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the?other one

 

1. You can either ask us to do something

Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

And if you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ?nothing,? We will act like nothing?s wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

1. If you ask a question that you don?t want an answer to, expect an answer that you don?t want to hear.

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine? Really.

 

1. Don?t ask us what we?re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, hockey or golf.

 

1. You have enough clothes.

 

1. You have too many shoes.

 

1. I am in shape.? Round IS a shape!

[Forrester~SPARTA~]

I never new of that Dutch oven...... but I lolled out loud there.....

[Athlon64~SPARTA~]

It goes back to the early days of the ducth settlers that came to america, It was used as a tool to stifle their complaining wifes. LOL!

[Forrester~SPARTA~]

it still works....lol though the result is a somewhat bruised hubby being able to sleep without further attempts for other activities by his wife....

[Skaz~SPARTA~]

i have a serious problem with number 4

[custard~SPARTA~]

Lol good thread

[Durka-Durka~SPARTA~]

it still works....lol though the result is a somewhat bruised hubby being able to sleep without further attempts for other activities by his wife....

 

 

The Dutch Oven is a great tool to solve many problems in a relationship.

1. It stifles (ehem, literally) complaining when you're trying to sleep

2 It's used to gain valuable real estate in the bed.

3. It can be used as a test to tell if she will stay with you through thick/thin.

4. It serves as a great tool to test your own aromal effictivenss so you're not made to look like a weenie when hanging out with the guys.

[KalXen~SPARTA~]

I have a German shepard that sleeps next to our bed at night and he joins in the Dutch Oven chorus as well. Great back-out plan to blame the pain.

[Durka-Durka~SPARTA~]

I just wanna say thanks to DaCapt for bringing more awareness to this cause. We need this more now than ever...

[Skaz~SPARTA~]

I have a German shepard that sleeps next to our bed at night and he joins in the Dutch Oven chorus as well. Great back-out plan to blame the pain.

 

I have a golden retriever, hes going on 16 now, he always produces the winner fart in the dutch oven.