Bsilenced Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary. Last weekend I saw something at the Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The consequences of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effects on her assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference -- pretty cute, really -- and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "No possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face. Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh, were still burning and twitching. My face felt as if it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. Still in shock Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forrester~SPARTA~ Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 hmm familiar somehow....lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yoshi Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 That's why you don't test an electric fence by grabbing onto it, If you do, the spasms from the electric shock will prevent you from removing your hand. That's why you test an electric fence by touching it with the back of your hand, the spasms will cause your hand to be pulled away from the fence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KalXen~SPARTA~ Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 That's why you don't test an electric fence by grabbing onto it, If you do, the spasms from the electric shock will prevent you from removing your hand. That's why you test an electric fence by touching it with the back of your hand, the spasms will cause your hand to be pulled away from the fence. No, you test by giving your buddy a 6 pack, and when on his last beer you grab it and put it on the other side of the fence. Yehaw!! Welcome to Texas... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Athlon64~SPARTA~ Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 (edited) I posted the full storie last year, look in joke area. Still funny, look for the electric fence post. Edited January 13, 2010 by Athlon64~SPARTA~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bsilenced Posted January 14, 2010 Author Share Posted January 14, 2010 speaking of electric fences last year while we were camping my dog came acros a cow farm, tried to cross the fence got zapped and went running away. about and hour later and miles away i finally found him... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forrester~SPARTA~ Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 thats why a dog has a lead......lol I once had to do some land measuring at a farm, and off course the farmer put off the electricity of his fences for us. What he didn't tell me was that toe far outer fence at the farm (all around his land) was still powered. When the rain came we ran towards the road were the trees stood and I stepped over the fence, got a shock and redraw my leg only to find out that beneath the wire was a barb-wire so I tore the inside leg of my trousers to bits and pieces.... with a long day ahead and a meeting in the evening clutching my legs together all te time not to arouse my female colleagues.... learned a lot that day.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lightspeed~SPARTA~ Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 (edited) i must say i am still amazed at the power of electricity - one small zap and boom! i used to be a chef and got electrecuted while using a barmix to make soup. i had one hand on the blenders and the other holding the metal pot. it shorted out and the zap went straight up my arms and hit me right between the shoulder blades and threw me back about 5 metres in the air. i dint realize i had been shocked at first and was looking round thinking who the *&%@ just king hit me! then i realized it was just me and the smoking blender. [Edit some content removed by Zeno] Edited January 14, 2010 by Zeno~SPARTA~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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