Well written letter (COULD have come from Kram)

[Zeno~SPARTA~]

Taken from the Guardian, an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue:

 

 

Dear Mr. Edwards,

 

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt

reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

 

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a

"begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax

demand".

This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of

accuracy;traditionally referred to such documents.

 

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see

you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".

 

More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

 

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth

in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary

calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself.

 

The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds

levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark.

Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted

for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."

 

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

 

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to

do with the vagaries of the postal system;

 

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with

nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because

even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer

medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

 

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way

wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out

that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and

live in India" you would still owe us the money.

 

Please forward it by Friday.

 

Yours Sincerely,

 

H J Lee

Customer Relations

[custard~SPARTA~]

Civil servant with talent wow.

[NoScream~SPARTA~]

lol remind me if we ever have to ask for donations...