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DaCapt

8-Apella
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    Abbott and Costello

    in Humor - Spartan Jokes

    Posted

    You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of

    us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

     

     

     

     

     

    If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

     

    COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

     

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store.

     

    Can I help you?

     

    COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

    ABBOTT: Mac?

     

    COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

     

    ABBOTT: Your computer?

    COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

     

    ABBOTT: Mac?

     

    COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

     

    ABBOTT: What about Windows?

     

    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

     

    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

     

    COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

     

    ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

     

    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

     

    ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

     

    COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals,

    track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

    ABBOTT: Office.

     

    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

     

    ABBOTT: I just did.

     

    COSTELLO: You just did what?

     

    ABBOTT: Recommend something.

     

    COSTELLO: You recommended something?

     

    ABBOTT: Yes.

     

    COSTELLO: For my office?

     

    ABBOTT: Yes.

     

    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

     

    ABBOTT: Office.

    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

     

    ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

     

    COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my

    computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

     

    ABBOTT: Word.

     

    COSTELLO: What word?

     

    ABBOTT: Word in Office.

     

    COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

     

    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

     

    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

     

    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

     

    COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? Do you have anything I can

    track my money with?

     

    ABBOTT: Money.

     

    COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

     

    ABBOTT: Money.

     

    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

     

    ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

     

    COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

     

    ABBOTT: Money.

     

    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

     

    ABBOTT: Yes. At no extra charge.

     

    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

     

    ABBOTT: One copy.

     

    COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

     

    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

     

    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

     

    ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

     

    (A few days later)

     

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

     

    COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

     

    ABBOTT: Click on 'START'

    An Irish Family Tradition

    in Humor - Spartan Jokes

    Posted

    An Irish Family Tradition

     

    Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

     

    It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

     

    So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

     

    Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

     

    'Granny,' he asked, "It's me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me fa, his fa, and his fa before him?"

     

    Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your fa, your grandfa and your great grandfa were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip shit.

    Nymphomaniac Convention

    in Humor - Spartan Jokes

    Posted

    Nymphomaniac Convention

     

    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he

    glanced up

    and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane..

     

    He soon realized she was heading

    straight towards his seat .. As fate would have it, she took the

    seat right beside

    his..

     

    Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or

    pleasure?"

     

    She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual

    Nymphomaniacs

    of America Convention in Boston "

     

    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen

    sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

     

    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your

    business role at this convention?"

     

    "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned

    from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about

    sexuality."

     

    "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

     

    "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American

    men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native

    American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

     

    Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when

    actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

     

    I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best

    stamina is the Southern Redneck."

     

    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm

    sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I

    don't even know your name.."

     

    "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me

    Bubba."

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