Zeno~SPARTA~
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Posts posted by Zeno~SPARTA~
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I have to learn how to use this newsgroup malarky
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LOL Sopris,
I drive 700 miles a week at the moment and live in 2 locations, thats what pushes my number up.
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I use nespresso machines, they make perfect coffee every time. But that beast looks awsome, I like that it uses coffee beans for the freshest taste.
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A great film (the original and this lol) Kubrik will be spinning in his grave.
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that is unbelievable, the bird followed the beat.
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The mind boggles! LOL
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Happy Birthday Durka durka
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"You're all bones.
It was a flesh wound"
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At COMDEX recently, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. Oh yeah, and last but not least . . . you'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off!
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DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish........................................49
Adventurous...................................Slept with everyone
Athletic......................................No tits
Average looking...............................Ugly
Beautiful.....................................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..............................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure............................On medication
Feminist......................................Fat
Free spirit...................................Junkie
Friendship first..............................Former prostitute
Fun..........................................Annoying
New Age......................................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned................................No BJs
Open-minded..................................Desperate
Outgoing.....................................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...................................Sloppy drunk
Professional.................................Bitch
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Large frame..................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
A recent scientific study found that women find different male
Faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set
on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his ass.
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There are two soldiers who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"Woohoo!" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!" "You're right!" says the second. So he goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food.
But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying soldier. "What on earth happened?"
With his dying breath the other calls out "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon Tree . . .
.....
.... Its a ham bush!
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Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can instantly replace the spoon and thus reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen, and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I had dropped my spoon and he was able to
replace it with his spare on the spot. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now," he explained.
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the
same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can
save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our
"you-know-what", we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate
the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
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More Blond
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 lb., and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 lb., and she's an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who's 6'5", weighs 250 lb., and she's a current professional kick boxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The guy thinks about it a second and says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."
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holy balls youre becoming an old fart, happy birthday, lol.
Cheers
Phil
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very amusing.
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The Departed?
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Green Berets?
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Right its clear we need to set up some rules
1 the first person to correctly answer gets to put up a quote, there will only be one quote at a time.
2 wait till you are told you are correct before posting your quote
3 do not use google to find the answer, if people cant get the answer, the quoting person will give hints (actor, directors etc)
Cheers
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Luddites!
There are some people in the world whose lack of common sense would get them lost whether they used a compass, a map or satnav. As for the woman driving into the river, well, imagine her driving with a map across the steering wheel, I don't imagine you would want to be in her path lol
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Noone has posted an answer to Kiwi's quote
No point in mentioning these bats, I thought. Poor bastard will see them soon enough.
I googled it so I wont answer.
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Answer to Kiwi Batman Begins?
Just noticed MILARS sig love the car.
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My google expertise has yielded me the answer to this rare gem. But i will let others answer this one.
Changing Icons
in Computer Discussions
Posted
Am I being thick here but why dont you put your photos in "My Pictures" top right of "start" panel
They will be in C:\Documents and Settings\[user]\My Documents\My Pictures
Then you can organise by job, date or whatever you want, but you get to them quick by clicking on My Pictures off the "Start" button.
Just a thought.